July 31

It is a beautiful day outside. Truly one of those perfect summer evenings. I'm sitting alone in my kitchen, surfing the internet and playing Words With Friends. I know I should go out and walk around or something. I just don't feel like it. If I had someone to walk with that would be different. I miss living with Melanie in a lot of ways. Living alone did not work out at all like I hoped it would. I spend too much time alone. Part of the problem, of course, is the social isolation caused by having no money and not being able to invite people over because of the cockroaches.

Otherwise, I'm feeling a little better generally. It must be hormonal fluctuations since nothing has changed. I borrowed some money from Emily and CJ to pay the internet bill and then had to borrow some money from Chris to pay my gym membership (which I haven't even gone to all week but I will next week). So, I'm not as stressed out about that. I have a little money to buy food.

Work has been slow which you would think would make it better but hasn't really. I've been talking more to Anthony, which I know is dangerous. I have to remember how things always go. He is friendly now but who knows what he will be like next week. It's not my nature to not be friendly to people I like though. I should remember how he has hurt me but it's not like I've forgotten. I don't know. I need a new job. That would solve a lot of problems.

I also have two OKcupid messages I'm avoiding. It's like I want to meet guys...sort of. But I don't want to make all the small talk and face all the judgements and statistically half will end up being jerks, some will be boring, some will think I'm too fat in person. I know. That is so negative and defeatist. I just hate online dating.

July 22

Had trouble sleeping last night, thinking about my two major problems: cockroaches and work. Which is worse? haha. Combined they make me feel like like the biggest loser in the world. Someone who works at a call center and lives in a roach-infested apartment. I am going to ask for a meeting with the management people and talk about possible solutions. There has to be something they can do. I can't afford to move out.

Work is very boring right now which is almost as frustrating as when it is busy. Too much time to think and I'm stuck with Anthony. I broke down and chatted with him today. But I didn't engage him; he started talking to me. I have to remember that he doesn't care about me or value me as a friend. It is his ego that is driving this. It bugs him that I've stopped going over to talk to him and he can't figure it out. He just wants reassurance that everything is okay and I'm not going to give it to him. It's just work is so boring that people are being more chatty just in general. There aren't a lot of people to talk to after Ana leaves. I just need to remember that I'm doing this for me so I don't get all confused again. Even if he says he wants to be friends or acts like it now, he doesn't really. And it's a real sign of a problem that it bothers me so much what he thinks or does. I think I could get past it if I didn't have to see him everyday. Reason #847 to get a new job.

First Post

My first post. I'm not sure if anyone will ever see this blog. I could just do a journal but blogging works for me somehow. Plus, I can test out ideas here and refine them.

Here are some things I'm thinking about lately:

• Turning 40! Who do I want to be when I grow up. Dress rehearsal is over and it's time to put my thoughts into action. 
• Inspirational quotes are really pissing me off lately. They are the opposite of inspiring. Too much facebook, I think.
• Maybe I should spend less time on facebook.
• How do you learn self-discipline if you have never had any?

Today I was thinking about dating (which is the worst and if one more person says dating is fun, you get to meet lots of new people....@%$%!!!!!!) and how when you go on a date, people ask, "well, what is he like" or "tell me about him". Of course, the first thing people say is what kind of job you do. But anyway, I was thinking how would I like to be described? It's kind of like thinking of how you would want to be described in your eulogy but less morbid.

Here is how I'd like to be described: 

- Artist

- Baker

- Teacher

- Volunteer

- Small Business Owner

- Entrepreneur

- Blogger

- Writer

- ?

How do I get there? First thing, sign up to be a mentor at Free Arts Minnesota. Second, get serious about selling my art. The teaching thing...I'm not sure. Sign up as a community ed instructor? 

Also, I need to schedule some counseling sessions with Christa. There's no way I'm getting through the next months leading up to 40 without a psychological, mental wellness plan in place!